Torture in the Name of Public Relations

TMI has uncovered the shocking truth behind a cover up attempt by the late King Jeremy. Only TMI can bring you hard hitting stories like this!

The ghastly truth of one mans mad obsession with his public image, and the hapless artist caught in his clutches.

Few people are aware that His Majesty King Jeremy, while living, was disabled with the loss of his right hand and normally wore an advanced prosthetic hand. This was a closely guarded secret that, until now, has been kept hushed up. That is, until the story of torture was made public by the Royal artist who suffered while painting his official portraits.

Today we all know the visual image of The Ghost of King Jeremy as this:

But this is not the original image! Few people comment on the empty sleeve, and with good reason. His Majesty was very sensitive about his missing hand, and even more so about his prosthetic. When the official portrait was made the famous painter Scott Alexander insisted on having the hand properly portrayed in the picture. Then, when the painting was completed, His Majesty's ghost was very disappointed at the rendition of the prosthetic hand and asked that it be removed. Scott Alexander refused. He was placed on the palace dungeon and tortured until he relented.

They subjected me to fingernails on a chalkboard. They forced me to drink American beer. Finally, they made me listen to Vogon poetry! I thought the torment would never end.

-Scott Alexander

But, unbeknownst to the King, Mr. Alexander did NOT simply retouch the canvas. He totally repainted it from memory on a new canvas, and hid the original. Now, for the first time ever, the original painting can be shown. With the death of King Jeremy the threat of more Vogon poetry is no longer real and Mr. Alexander has released exclusively to TMI the rights to show the original painting.

The appalling level that one man would go to to hide his disability from the world is incredible, but you can see it for yourself above. TMI hopes that the remaining world leaders learn from the tragic suffering of Scott Alexander at the hands of a mad man and never again stoop to such lows.

His Majesty To Censor Press

His Majesty King Thomas Carroll of Gosling has called for the immediate censorship of all press sources he personally deems as "offensive". This initiative was put forth on the forums of the MNN a few days ago and, despite calls for sanity from all sides, he has pushed forward with his plan to silence anyone he doesn't like. His Majesty first proposed the idea, and then defended it in a series of speeched delivered to the MNN participants. But what few know is that the speech he actually delivered is slightly different from the speech he originally wrote!

TMI has obtained this exclusive copy of the speech His Majesty originally intended give. It was left on his personal desk in his office and our mystery reporter was able to take it unobserved. Rather than reproduce the whole speech here, which is laboriously boring to read, we present the salient paragraph that outlines his true intentions.

Speech as delivered:

well, the purpose isnt to try and shut down the offending organisation, but more to warn them that people have found whast they have publicised offending. we wont have powers to shut them down, thats silly! but we will be there so that people can pass on their concerns to us.

Speech as intended (**'s added to show where his speech writers softened his message):

well, the purpose is ** to try and shut down the offending organisation, *** **** to warn them that people have found whast they have publicised offending. we **** have powers to shut them down, ***** *****! *** we will be there so that people can pass on their concerns to us.

TMI does not see how it could be any clearer. The King thinks he has the right and power to squelch any opposition. Of course, TMI cannot allow such arrogance to continue unheralded. The world must unite to tell this King, in the words of the Minister from Lovely "Piss off".

Censorship has reared its ugly head many times before, and it cannot be tolerated. Those who are afraid of criticism are unworthy of leadership positions. Being on the pedestal means being able to take all forms of review from fawning to loathing with a stoic attitude that is above the battle. Like the King of Gotzborg, you can anything about that man and he is just as likely to ignore you as to invite you to a palace ball (hint hint).

Mystery Reporter